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exhilarationSick this morning?
No, not really sick. More like still drunk and in horrible pain.
I don't get drunk that often, I really, really don't and I'm kind of embarrassed that I finished my post drunk last night. I think the last time I got really drunk was... right around when Erica disappeared on me - it's been a good long while. I'd rather be high any day. But of course that's not going to happen, so, whatever.
Really, all morning I was in such pain, all through my shoulders and neck and back, searing muscle pain that made my fingers turn numb and cold - this, I think, was some kind of fucked-up hangover. I feel fine now. Thank God.
Anyway. Erica... well, let me say first that my job is responsible for my entire social life here in NJ. It's a social kind of job to begin with and everyone who works there hangs out together. I'm sure it's the main reason why I'm not lonely and miserable all the time. So I've got a kind of love/hate relationship with that job. I don't love the job, but, at the same time... I kind of do. Sad as that is to admit.
At work, Erica is nice and friendly to everyone she interacts with. Actually Erica reminds me a lot of my good friend Matt (which is probably why he liked her so much when he met her...) in that she pretty much likes everyone. She's not stuck up, she doesn't act like she's better than anyone else - she treats everyone the same, and everyone like they're worthy of trying to make friends with. She certainly acted that way towards me, I mean, she met me and automatically started acting like we were friends. Which, yes, I know is kind of weird. But it worked out in the end - right? More or less.
That's kind of how I got to be friends with Matt, too. Matt is friendly with everyone and treats everyone the same, etc. He invites everyone everywhere all the time - I kept accepting his invitations, and that's kind of how we got to be friends. Just like with Erica. Huh. Anyway. Most of my co-workers act friendly with her to her face and then talk shit about her when she's not around. It's really disgusting to listen to. Sometimes I get a "oh, Lara, sorry, forgot she's your friend," but more likely I get an eye roll as she walks away and a "hey, she's your friend," kind of comment.
It really sucks and it really pisses me off. It is really high school - does high school follow everyone wherever they go? I kind of think it does - I kind of think that the people who acted like this in high school grow up and keep right on acting this same way. And never mind that I didn't actually go to high school. I get the mentality. Really. I do.
So, once I asked Erica what she was like in high school, and I got an interesting answer. She was really academic, really smart, took honors classes, worked hard, etc. Not surprising, really, seeing how she's very intelligent and wants to go to law school. She said she was kind of a goody-two-shoes kind of girl who never got in any trouble, never went against her parents, etc, and that she was fat. I was like, 0.o, I don't believe you. You're a size zero, you couldn't have been fat.
She insisted she is not a size zero now, and in fact, while she is very slim, she's also practically six feet tall so I'm sure she's more like a size six or something. But once when I was at her house she did show me some pictures of her in high school and... she was kinda chubby. She also looked like a totally different girl. I say all the time that she looks like a movie star. She does, she's tall and has this long hair and wears the big sunglasses and carries the huge purses - she didn't look like that in high school.
I guess she really blossomed in college. I'm sure that's why she misses it so much and she's been pretty dysfunctional since graduating. I really, really don't get this animosity towards her and it's really making me uncomfortable. These are people she went to high school with and I don't get what their issue with her is. Probably I never will, cause I didn't grow up here and wasn't there for whatever it was I guess they saw and didn't like.
Ah, and she is so totally not living with me any time soon. My house will be all finished and furnished and everything by summer and there will be no extra room for her anyway, unless she wants to pay me a hundred bucks a night, lol. So I'm kinda off the hook with that, and I'm glad.
I am actually going to the Phillies game tomorrow night. I am quite excited - I was pleasantly surprised to realize how excited I was to see all my favorite players playing again (on TV) and I think I just need to put that miserable game when it rained out of my head. I went to those Phillies/Mets games in NY with Matt and everything was fine. So this will be fine. I need to not get so intimidated so easily.
Also... it's starting to sink in that this is probably going to be my last summer here. I know, I thought that last summer too, but that was more wishful thinking. I think this is for real - this really is for real. This will be my third summer here, and after that I can go wherever I want. Everything with the houses will be finished and I'll have all the rent money from this summer - I'll be golden. This is real - it's really happening. Not working out exactly on the grand schedule I had originally planned, but, hey, I was aiming really, really high with that. It's still working out.
And so... I'm not sure what it is that I actually want to do. I've kind of had it in my head that I want to go back to Philly, but I'm not sure what's really there for me anymore. The reason I ended up in Philly in the first place was... well, Matt. Matt went to college in Philly, so, I did too, so I could be near him. I kinda followed him there, and then met other students and we all kinda latched on to each other. I used to think our house was like the Real World house or something, like, it was so cool, and we were so interesting and original and all that - maybe we were, really, I don't know. But people would drop out and move back home, or people would graduate and move on, or find other room mates and move out, or... any number of things, until finally it was just me and Daniel and Jay together sticking it out on the top floor there.
But neither of them are still in Philly either. Well, Jay is I think living just north of the city, but Daniel is in NYC and besides isn't speaking to me. So... what, really, is in Philly calling me back, if it's not the people I miss so much, and do I even miss the city at all or do I just miss having so many friends? And... were they my friends, really, or did we all just live together?
Yeah. Questions, questions.
I'd like to finish school. For once in my life I'd like to see something through. I'd like a fucking diploma, too, just one, that'd be fabulous. As of right now all I've got is a GED - if I'd have been smart I'd have gotten my associates from community, but I didn't, I just transferred what I had to my university. So I've got, well, nothing. And I don't know what to do about finishing school even if I do decide that's what I want. I'm not going to finish a degree in teaching if I'm never going to get hired as a teacher - I was never dead-set on being a teacher anyway, it was more of an experiment to see if I liked it and I turned out not to hate it.
Well, when I taught the after school program, actually, I really loved it. I wasn't expecting to, but I did.
But that's neither here nor there. I'm not finishing my teaching degree, so I'd have to pick something else. And who knows how long that would take.
I could probably easily go right into art history, or even English, and only have a semester or two left. I'd rather do something like international languages, or something like that, but that's probably... oh, two years at least. See, I'm not being smart about this again. I want to pick something I'd like to learn about, not something I could easily get a degree in because i already learned it...
Truth is school was the furthest thing from my mind until my boyfriend started talking about going, and now I'm mad jealous :P
No, not really sick. More like still drunk and in horrible pain.
I don't get drunk that often, I really, really don't and I'm kind of embarrassed that I finished my post drunk last night. I think the last time I got really drunk was... right around when Erica disappeared on me - it's been a good long while. I'd rather be high any day. But of course that's not going to happen, so, whatever.
Really, all morning I was in such pain, all through my shoulders and neck and back, searing muscle pain that made my fingers turn numb and cold - this, I think, was some kind of fucked-up hangover. I feel fine now. Thank God.
Anyway. Erica... well, let me say first that my job is responsible for my entire social life here in NJ. It's a social kind of job to begin with and everyone who works there hangs out together. I'm sure it's the main reason why I'm not lonely and miserable all the time. So I've got a kind of love/hate relationship with that job. I don't love the job, but, at the same time... I kind of do. Sad as that is to admit.
At work, Erica is nice and friendly to everyone she interacts with. Actually Erica reminds me a lot of my good friend Matt (which is probably why he liked her so much when he met her...) in that she pretty much likes everyone. She's not stuck up, she doesn't act like she's better than anyone else - she treats everyone the same, and everyone like they're worthy of trying to make friends with. She certainly acted that way towards me, I mean, she met me and automatically started acting like we were friends. Which, yes, I know is kind of weird. But it worked out in the end - right? More or less.
That's kind of how I got to be friends with Matt, too. Matt is friendly with everyone and treats everyone the same, etc. He invites everyone everywhere all the time - I kept accepting his invitations, and that's kind of how we got to be friends. Just like with Erica. Huh. Anyway. Most of my co-workers act friendly with her to her face and then talk shit about her when she's not around. It's really disgusting to listen to. Sometimes I get a "oh, Lara, sorry, forgot she's your friend," but more likely I get an eye roll as she walks away and a "hey, she's your friend," kind of comment.
It really sucks and it really pisses me off. It is really high school - does high school follow everyone wherever they go? I kind of think it does - I kind of think that the people who acted like this in high school grow up and keep right on acting this same way. And never mind that I didn't actually go to high school. I get the mentality. Really. I do.
So, once I asked Erica what she was like in high school, and I got an interesting answer. She was really academic, really smart, took honors classes, worked hard, etc. Not surprising, really, seeing how she's very intelligent and wants to go to law school. She said she was kind of a goody-two-shoes kind of girl who never got in any trouble, never went against her parents, etc, and that she was fat. I was like, 0.o, I don't believe you. You're a size zero, you couldn't have been fat.
She insisted she is not a size zero now, and in fact, while she is very slim, she's also practically six feet tall so I'm sure she's more like a size six or something. But once when I was at her house she did show me some pictures of her in high school and... she was kinda chubby. She also looked like a totally different girl. I say all the time that she looks like a movie star. She does, she's tall and has this long hair and wears the big sunglasses and carries the huge purses - she didn't look like that in high school.
I guess she really blossomed in college. I'm sure that's why she misses it so much and she's been pretty dysfunctional since graduating. I really, really don't get this animosity towards her and it's really making me uncomfortable. These are people she went to high school with and I don't get what their issue with her is. Probably I never will, cause I didn't grow up here and wasn't there for whatever it was I guess they saw and didn't like.
Ah, and she is so totally not living with me any time soon. My house will be all finished and furnished and everything by summer and there will be no extra room for her anyway, unless she wants to pay me a hundred bucks a night, lol. So I'm kinda off the hook with that, and I'm glad.
I am actually going to the Phillies game tomorrow night. I am quite excited - I was pleasantly surprised to realize how excited I was to see all my favorite players playing again (on TV) and I think I just need to put that miserable game when it rained out of my head. I went to those Phillies/Mets games in NY with Matt and everything was fine. So this will be fine. I need to not get so intimidated so easily.
Also... it's starting to sink in that this is probably going to be my last summer here. I know, I thought that last summer too, but that was more wishful thinking. I think this is for real - this really is for real. This will be my third summer here, and after that I can go wherever I want. Everything with the houses will be finished and I'll have all the rent money from this summer - I'll be golden. This is real - it's really happening. Not working out exactly on the grand schedule I had originally planned, but, hey, I was aiming really, really high with that. It's still working out.
And so... I'm not sure what it is that I actually want to do. I've kind of had it in my head that I want to go back to Philly, but I'm not sure what's really there for me anymore. The reason I ended up in Philly in the first place was... well, Matt. Matt went to college in Philly, so, I did too, so I could be near him. I kinda followed him there, and then met other students and we all kinda latched on to each other. I used to think our house was like the Real World house or something, like, it was so cool, and we were so interesting and original and all that - maybe we were, really, I don't know. But people would drop out and move back home, or people would graduate and move on, or find other room mates and move out, or... any number of things, until finally it was just me and Daniel and Jay together sticking it out on the top floor there.
But neither of them are still in Philly either. Well, Jay is I think living just north of the city, but Daniel is in NYC and besides isn't speaking to me. So... what, really, is in Philly calling me back, if it's not the people I miss so much, and do I even miss the city at all or do I just miss having so many friends? And... were they my friends, really, or did we all just live together?
Yeah. Questions, questions.
I'd like to finish school. For once in my life I'd like to see something through. I'd like a fucking diploma, too, just one, that'd be fabulous. As of right now all I've got is a GED - if I'd have been smart I'd have gotten my associates from community, but I didn't, I just transferred what I had to my university. So I've got, well, nothing. And I don't know what to do about finishing school even if I do decide that's what I want. I'm not going to finish a degree in teaching if I'm never going to get hired as a teacher - I was never dead-set on being a teacher anyway, it was more of an experiment to see if I liked it and I turned out not to hate it.
Well, when I taught the after school program, actually, I really loved it. I wasn't expecting to, but I did.
But that's neither here nor there. I'm not finishing my teaching degree, so I'd have to pick something else. And who knows how long that would take.
I could probably easily go right into art history, or even English, and only have a semester or two left. I'd rather do something like international languages, or something like that, but that's probably... oh, two years at least. See, I'm not being smart about this again. I want to pick something I'd like to learn about, not something I could easily get a degree in because i already learned it...
Truth is school was the furthest thing from my mind until my boyfriend started talking about going, and now I'm mad jealous :P
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no subject
Date: 2009-04-07 03:56 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-04-08 04:17 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-04-07 11:07 pm (UTC)When I was in Banff it was the worst I'd experienced in a LONG time. I felt really bad for one girl in particular because she wasn't at all attractive and had an odd body, no personality, yet was a total bitch to everyone - even to those who were genuinely nice to her. I could never figure out what her problem was. Like, was she so tormented in high school that now she's out she can get her own kind of revenge? Or was she a bitch in school too?
She had this HS bubble around her, and god help you if you entered her personal space and ended up in the bubble. Freaking childish behaviour like whoa.
no subject
Date: 2009-04-08 04:18 am (UTC)