exhilaration | That Love Thing

I told my boyfriend I love him.

I didn't really mean to. It just kind of came out.

It freaked us both out a little bit.

But I think I meant it.

Forget technicalities for a moment. Forget that I just labeled this a "casual" relationship. Forget what it "means." Forget what we said, forget that we're supposedly cool with each other seeing other people. With all that shit out of the way - I do love him.

I love him how I love my closest friends. In a quiet, uncomplicated, refreshing way.

I was talking about how I can be so difficult to be around - how it can be frustrating for other people because, well, I'm just not a very happy person - and I said some other stuff about myself that I think makes me difficult - and he was just like, "Lara, stop making excuses, you're beautiful the way you are."

I don't take compliments very well. In fact, usually I argue with them. Usually I use the argument of "yeah well you just think that because you don't know me well enough yet."

I know he wasn't talking about how I look. Well, I don't take compliments on my appearance all that well either, but - I think I look fine. I just think it's weird to compliment someone on something they have no control over. Okay, fine, I think I do have a pretty face. But so what?

He was talking about my personality, how I am, how I act, the things I do -

I didn't even know how to respond to that. I think... it's been a good long while since I've heard anything like that from anyone. I was seriously about to cry. There we were sitting at the diner drinking coffee in the middle of the night and pushing eggs around with toast, and I was about to cry over what he said.

Through an odd set of circumstances, Bevan and I knew each other when we were kids. I'm older than he is by a few years, so when we were kids it was a bigger deal than it is now how much younger than me he is. He was kind of the "kid who tagged along and didn't say anything" or whatever and I was "Ryan's cousin who was loud and caused problems" or whatever. But not counting that, I think we've known each other well for about a year and a half, maybe going on two years soon. We've been hooking up/avoiding hooking up for more than a year. And actually dating since... September, maybe?

We spend a lot of time together. A whole lot. And we're sleeping together. I'd say he knows me well enough to form an informed opinion - right?

And that just made me want to cry.

Cry because I feel like everyone deserves to hear something like that at least some of the time, but what the hell kind of word is deserve anyway and what does it even matter?

Cry because part of me can't even trust it, he says that now but what is he going to say later? Lots of people have said wonderful things to me and then taken it all back and that hurts.

Cry because I do trust it because I have no reason not to and as much as I try to back away from it all, here it is right in my face.

And so I said "I love you."

And he said "wow."

Not what I expected to say. Not what he expected to hear, I guess. So I felt compelled to add "in a non-scary way. But I do. Just so you know."

Cause I do. Not an "in love" kind of way, not really, I don't think. But I definitely do. I love my friend Matt, too, but I'm not in love with him either. And what do I know about being in love anyway? For all I know I'm confusing "in love" with being obsessed. I do obsess a lot.

So... I'm easy. I might talk tough, but deep down I'm easy. Say nice things to me and I'm gone.

I deserve for someone to think highly of me - don't I? Just this once?