exhilaration: (me)
You know, the one where I set my iTunes on shuffle and type the first line of fifty songs, and then you have to name the song and the artist in the comments, and then I cross them off as they get identified?

Come on, let's play!

Ma musicz hur )

Yeah, that was kinda fun. My shuffle repeated a bunch of artists, though.

Last night I was feeling so bummed about arguing with Erica over such stupid shit that I actually called her on the phone - she didn't answer. Then, I called Bevan, with no clue what I was going to say to him, just that I wanted someone to talk to. He said if I wanted he'd try to get some peeps together for some Rock Band at his place, and he did. I told him about being mad that Erica came over without calling and about her bugging me about the beach, and he kinda just laughed at me, like there was no way it could be as big of a deal as I thought it was.

After we played for a few hours (which was AWESOME, that game is SO MUCH FUN) we talked about feeling like big losers cause neither of us is doing anything worthwhile with our lives - we both work in a restaurant, neither of us is going to school or has any type of degree, yeah, but also neither of us even has any kind of goal. Bevan says it's this town, how it sucks you in, but I don't know about that. I'd probably feel exactly like this anywhere, and so would he. He didn't agree with me, though.

Whatever. It was a good talk. I miss hanging around with him all the time, and I told him so, and I didn't mean to, but I think I kinda freaked him out by saying that, cause the next thing I knew he was driving me home so that we didn't get so tired we'd just both fall asleep at his house. I guess I got kinda used to our "sleepovers" without meaning to, or even realizing it.

I hope Erica doesn't stay mad at me for acting like an ass - I warned her, I told her from the beginning that I'm mean and moody and stupid like that, and she said it was cool and so is she.

I guess we'll see, eh?
exhilaration: (impossible things)
So I said something to someone the other day that's been kind of bothering me. They asked why on earth I have a criminal record, and I said something along the lines of, "well to make a long story short, drugs are bad, mkay?" (you know, South Park...)

And you know you meet a lot of people who say "drugs ruined my life" or "drugs ruined my relationship" or something like that. And these are all people who are "in recovery." And I always thought, well, doesn't that run counter to the whole twelve step thing? I mean, okay, yes, part of it is swearing off whatever substance it was you need to get over, as in, no, no moderation, just eliminate it entirely, but another part of it is taking responsibility. The drugs didn't force themselves on you. You chose to mess around with them, and you got burned. They didn't ruin your life, you ruined your life by messing with them.

And there I go sounding exactly like what I take such an argument with to begin with.

And of course I'm the one who sat in the back telling myself but it's different for me, for me it isn't like that, this doesn't count for me...

I know another girl at work who used to be really involved in drugs - cocaine and all the bad stuff like that. She's now incredibly medicated. I think she takes an antidepressant and a... tranquilizer, or something? And I've wondered before which came first, the chicken or the egg. Do people get into drugs because they've got some kind of underlying chemical problem, or do the drugs somehow permanently change them, you know, once you're hooked, you're just always gonna want them, you'll never be the same again, and without those drugs you need other, more acceptable, legal drugs to be able to survive in the world?

I don't know. But I know that I, personally, now take more medication than I ever have in my entire life.

The first thing they teach you in twelve step is to admit you have a problem.

And that's something I've actually agreed with )

There. I have now defined the problems that are causing me such anxiety. It's not just a "oh something isn't right, let me just freak out now." These are the specific things that are troubling me. See, I do not need, on top of everything else, an anti-anxiety pill. I have got it all under control.
exhilaration: (Default)
Ok well B isn't really my enemy, but it sounded like it would make a good title.

B came to the coffee shop this morning. He does that sometimes - I live on the island, he lives on the mainland, but he surfs, and so sometimes he's in town and stops at the shop. He asked me if I wanted to come over this afternoon and play Rock Band with him and some other people from the restaurant because he said he heard that I sing.

So I said ok. And so - we played Rock Band, this game where you play pretend musical instruments and stuff. i gave the drums a try too. For some reason I kept missing the green drum, though, but it was still fun. I had a good time, it was nice to just chill out with people for an afternoon, as opposed to chilling out at a bar watching everyone around me get drunk. We played for like four hours or something, and then some people had to go to work, and B and I talked a little. No, not about how we randomly had sex the other night. Seriously, the next morning, B flat out told me he barely remembered what we did, he was that drunk, and was like, "I hope I wasn't a total ass. I hope you aren't mad at me for anything."

And I was like, "no, I'm not mad, it was good, it's been a while for me."

And at that point he was like, "Damnit, so we did hook up." LONG PAUSE. "Do you want to take a shower before I drop you off at work?"

And that's the extent of any discussion we had after the fact. No, he talked about how he hated living here. Well, I'm not fond of it either. I feel like I can't really complain, I mean, I literally had no where to go and not a cent to my name when I got this house, and I was like, jackpot, yo! A house! That means I've got at least somewhere to live! I don't care where, whatever, it's not a motel and it's not someone else's place, that's good enough for me!

Winter always depresses me, but winter around here is just... awful. There's nothing here. There's no one here. The people who are here have all lived here their entire lives and all know one another's life story and stuff. It's like... home, only ten times more smalltownish, and ten times worse in all ways. Yeah, I really don't like it here. I don't understand why more people don't make it their life's goal to freakin leave.

B said he went to college for a semester and a half at Rutgers Camden. Huh. I never knew that about him. But, here he is, living in his dad's basement, and he's about the same age I am. Well, what can I say to that, though? I went to college for a while too.

I don't know exactly where I'm going with this. But I feel a little better about the whole situation. Actually, I feel a whole lot better. I feel like this whole afternoon proved somehow that B is actually my friend of sorts, even if he's not like omg my bestest friend ever, and that he thinks of me as a friend - because otherwise why invite me over, and why sit around at talk to me after? - as opposed to his new fuckbuddy or something.

The thing that kinda bothers me about myself though is that I don't think I would have turned down the fuckbuddy status if that was my only option.

I wonder if he realizes this? I wonder if B has any idea at all just how fucking lonely I am, and just how much I'd do for a little company? If he does, well, then I guess he gets a gold medal or something for being such a gosh darned nice guy. Either that or he finds me utterly repulsive in that area, and that is why he's acting like nothing happened.

That Rock Band game is kind of addictive, watching the dots on the screen and stuff, btw. I highly recommend it.


exhilaration: (Default)
Lara I.

October 2012

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