exhilaration: (Default)
I had big plans for today.

Instead, I am kind of wedged between my futon and my couch - so I'm sitting on the futon with my feet up on the arm of the couch. This is different from laying on the couch with my feet up on the arm, and this is different from sitting back on the futon with my feet on the ground, and this is different than sitting back on the arm of the couch with my feet in front of me.

My feet are up because they're swelling.

I'm sitting up because my back is fucking hurting like hell.

I just want to be still but I keep jerking around instead. It sucks.

I hate my body.
exhilaration: (angry adipose)
Let me tell you what I feel like right now.

My back hurts.

I don't believe for a minute the simple statement "my back hurts" is an accurate description of what I feel like. Let me try again.

The center of my back is ON FUCKING FIRE. There is a white-hot ball of fucking fire dead center between my shoulder blades and the pain is radiating outward and upward across my shoulders, up my neck and into my head.

Did you know that pretty much every time you move your back moves? Did you know that you use your back to do pretty much everything?

Of course, it fucking hurts whether I move or not, so I might as well move, but not if I'm going to end up passing out from the pain. Or puking my guts out. Neither is ideal.

Yes, I have already double-dosed on anything that could possibly help. This is it. I should have just taken a tranquilizer and knocked myself the fuck out, but there were things I wanted to do today. I would rather have done them anyway, even half out of my head on painkillers, but that's not going to be possible, I'm in too much pain to do any fucking thing at all, and I can't do a fucking thing about it but just sit here and take it.

No tranquilizer, see, because I certainly don't want to OD. And yeah, you can tack "again" on to the end of that. I don't want to OD again.

I don't want to watch a show because I can't even fucking pay attention to it. I'm just so pissed - why does my body do this to me? Why does it not comprehend that there IS NO FUCKING FIRE in my spine and react accordingly? I am doing EVERYTHING I am supposed to be doing - I AM DOING IT RIGHT, WHY DO I NOT GET MY WAY?

I felt fine yesterday, what THE FUCK did I do differently today?

I don't have work today - I do have work tomorrow. So what do I do if I keep feeling this shitty? I can't go to work - I can hardly get the fuck up. If I keep calling out of work, I have to bring a doctor's note - so I have to go see a doctor, who will be like, blah blah blah, oh, you say you're in pain, SORRY ABOUT THAT, why don't you try this that and the other thing that HAVE NEVER WORKED BEFORE? Hm wait, let's see, are you sure you're not just trying to get DRUGS?

I want to be so advanced that I can make my brain tell my body it simply refuses to register this kind of UNCALLED FOR BULLSHIT.

WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS? I haven't felt pain this intense in years! My shoulder? My shoulder hurt? NO IT DOESN'T, THAT IS NOTHING COMPARED TO THIS.

And there's nothing I can do. There is not one single thing I can do about it.

LIFE FUCKING SUCKS.
exhilaration: (impossible things)
I woke up this morning hung over.

I woke up at eight. That's really, really late for me. I'm used to waking up at three thirty every morning, and if I go back to sleep I usually wake up again around five or so.

I did not wake up until eight. So I guess my sleep schedule is already getting weird on me.

My head hurt. My neck hurt. My shoulder hurt. My back hurt. My hands hurt. My face hurt. Every fucking thing hurt.

I tried to get out of bed but the floor dumped me back in. It can do that, the floor.

Okay, so, now that we've established I must have gotten drunk last night... )

Geez, if you read through all this, you're a trooper, that's for sure. Thanks. Even if you don't leave a comment, thanks for just reading. I think a few months ago in one of my entries I swore I wasn't always like this. Huh. Apparently I am always like this. Sorry to mislead.
exhilaration: (Default)
So yesterday I came home from work (coffee co) and flopped down on my couch fully intending to fall asleep and stay asleep until I woke up again. This was around ten in the morning. I sort of drifted off - wasn't really sleeping but wasn't really awake either.

My phone rings. I'm like, blllleeeeeghhhhh? And I answer it, begrudgingly, because it's work (restaurant) calling me. My manager Vicki asked me to come in and work the lunch shift and I said I couldn't because I had no ride. Which was true, but also, I had my heart set on sleeping for the afternoon.

Apparently she had been calling people all morning to come in for lunch, because there were a couple graduations yesterday and she was afraid she didn't have enough people scheduled to handle the increased business that could possibly result. She told me she already called Bevan to come in and he said he could pick me up.

Plotting against me you see.

And she was right, it was a very, very busy shift. Pretty exhausting, actually. Did I mention I don't like that job?

Also, Bevan brought me a coffee when he came to get me :P

And so I did not get to sleep like I wanted to.

And then after work I went to Erica's house and we stayed up, oh, pretty much all night talking. That girl can talk like no one else I've ever met. And it's not the boring kind of talking, either - we're deep in conversation and then all of a sudden hours have passed.

So that's pretty cool. But what I should have done was gone back home and gotten some sleep, cause I'm missing it right about now.

And... my shoulder hurts. My back hurts. A lot. My jaw is sore. That is a new one. I don't really even want to be sitting here typing, but not doing anything is about as intolerable as doing something, so at least this way I'm distracted

What I needed to do yesterday, that I did not do because I was busy making extra money and hanging out with Erica, was clean up the upstairs for the next renters and wash the sheets and stuff - I didn't do that. I haven't done that yet. I need to do that now. Like, tonight. Except for I feel like shit.

Oh well.
exhilaration: (Default)
My shoulder hurts.

My shoulder has been hurting ever since I last said it was hurting. I've just been trying to ignore it. It's not absolutely intolerable, it's more of a constant dull aching, but the thing is, I'm on pretty strong painkillers all the time. If I can feel it through that, well, obviously something is very wrong.

I did get an x-ray and an MRI like I was supposed to, but I don't know anything more than I did before. Cause the technicians don't read the stuff, you know, they just take them.

I was hostessing at work tonight and I was the first one in so I got out early - Bevan and I went for a beer cause neither of us has seen much of each other recently. I didn't go out at all last weekend because I was so tired, and I'm just as tired now, but I've been getting antsy for company and it was just for like an hour or so. And my shoulder hurt so bad the whole time I was sitting there it was making my fingers go all cold and tingly. I dropped my glass on the ground, it broke, everyone thought I was trashed, and Bevan brought me home.

He offered me percs, which of course I turned down. I had to tell him I'm already on painkillers and if I thought taking more would help I had my own. He asked if I wanted him to give me a shoulder rub and at first I said no, but then I said okay. It didn't help. It felt good, but it didn't help. It's not nerve pain. It's not joint pain either, it's not in the bendy part of my shoulder, it's in the muscle part in the back, and it's so insistent, but it's just the muscles, it SHOULDN'T HURT THIS MUCH!

Finally I just asked Bevan to leave me alone and let me be by myself and miserable, and now I am.

Blegh.

Erica called me this afternoon. I didn't think she actually would, but she did. She said her family is having a Memorial Day party that is also a graduation party for her, and that I should come. I... don't think I am going to go - I know, I know, I am the one who randomly walked up to Erica in the diner and started talking to her, and I do know all kinds of stuff about her, but I still don't know her well at all. I've seen her all of twice in my life, and... I won't know anyone at her party-picnic-whatever, and I just do not feel like going. I feel like everyone there is going to know her and is going to want to know who I am and how I know Erica and I'll just be like, oh I met her in the diner one night, and she'll probably be totally busy will all her guests and wont have time to actually talk to me.

But if I don't go... maybe she won't call me again.

I just... usually I don't get like this. I'm not... shy, it's just that sometimes I don't feel like it. I don't feel like talking to strangers and being nice and polite and social. I do it all day long and all night long at work. And I like to socialize. I like being around other people. I hate staying home. But sometimes... it sounds strange to say it this way, but I just get really sick of myself. I'd like to give being someone else a try, I guess. Of course, there's a long list of things I'd like, and I'm no more likely to get my way on that one than anything else, so I don't know why I even bother.
exhilaration: (Default)
So yesterday morning I woke up with my right shoulder hurting. That's right, my right shoulder. Not my left shoulder.

WTF???

But, I took my muscle relaxer, and eventually it felt tolerable.

BUT FIRST. Ok see here is how my day went yesterday. I had to be at work at 5am. Ok, so, I left the house in plenty of time to get to work on time. I was not late. I am very rarely ever late. My boss, Renee, is late at least once a week. I think I've bitched about that before. So let me just say one more time that I was not late. In fact, I was probably a few minutes early. And the doors are unlocked and the lights are on, so I figure Renee is there already. Which is rare - usually she and I arrive at the same time, or I get there first. I go inside - it's Renee and Other Girl opening up. And I'm like... hi? And she's like oh, Lara, what are you doing here? We don't need you today, I have Other Girl coming in for you all week. And I was like, well, we spoke on the phone, remember, and I told you I was coming back today, here is all my documentation, doctor's note, etc.

And she just looked at me, didn't take the papers from me, and was like, "I said I didn't need you today."

And I was like, ok, well, when we spoke on the phone, you didn't say anything about me not coming in today.

And she was like, well, you said you couldn't work, so I had to get your shifts covered.

And I was like, yes, but I still don't see what that has to do with today.

So, screw you, Renee, this will now be a whole week of not working, and so this will be a skipped paycheck. Not a small paycheck, a skipped paycheck. No money.

So I stopped in the back to look at next week's schedule, just to make sure. Usually I work Monday-Friday at 5am, but my shift ends at a different time every day, totally randomly. Well next week she has me working 5-7. Yep, that's five am to seven am. Two hours every day. That's eight hours for the week. Usually I work about fifteen or twenty. EIGHT.

Like I said, though, my shoulder was really hurting and so I just left rather than say anything else to her, and went back home. Of course I couldn't sleep or anything, so I just screwed around all morning and got more and more pissy as the day went on.

Click to continue reading this long ass-entry. LOL I love doing that, sticking the hyphen in the wrong space! )

Anyway. Doctor Who hopefully tonight, definitely by tomorrow.
exhilaration: (me)
First, a meme from [livejournal.com profile] ithidrial

1. My username is ______ because ______.

Lara_Everlong, because my first name is Lara, and I deeply adore the Foo Fighters.

2. My name is _____ because ______.

My real name, in case (just in case!) anyone from RL is looking for me, they can find my journal and know that I am still a part of existence. As far as I know, this has never happened. But I hold out hope.

3. My journal is titled ____ because ____.

Come Down, because it references the Foo Fighters song that I used for my LJ handle. And because when I started this journal, I was feeling pretty much on the bottom of the world. I've thought about changing it, though, because really, I'm not permanently down there, even if I felt that way when I named the journal.

4. My friends page is called ____ because ____.

Out Of Her Head She Sang, because even though in theory I know all the people on LJ are real people, sometimes it all seems like this elaborate made up place.

5. My default userpic is ____ because ____.

Well, that's Billie Piper, she plays Rose in Doctor Who, and she's my default icon because I like her :P I like her because she isn't perfect, because she's had an incredible life, and she didn't get a happy ending.

And now for the rest, which I promise is not depressing or full of rage. )

I guess what I can do that would be really productive would be to start shopping online for some shore-house-type furniture, because, well, summer is coming and the season is starting and if I want to make this whole income-property thing work, well, I have to have this all rentable by summer. Which is basically impossible, and how I'm really going to get everything done when I've been dicking around all winter instead of taking care of all this stuff, well, damned if I know.

The Man With A Thousand Voices Standing Perfectly Still
exhilaration: (Default)
I am miserable. As in, mis-er-a-ble. Completely. I've had a fuck of a day. And I hurt. I mentioned I burned myself cooking? It hurts. It really hurts. It swelled up and blistered and now everything that brushes up against it hurts and it hurts even when nothing touches it and IT HURTS. Wah.

And MY SHOULDER HURTS. Again with the shoulder pain. Tonight it's my left shoulder. Actually, it's been my left shoulder for the past few days. In increasing amounts. At first it was just, meh, my shoulder hurts. Now I'm practically in tears. It's to the point where all across my back and all down my left arm feel weird and icy cold from the pain in my shoulder. I don't know what to do. I've already taken as many pain pills as I can - if I take more, I'll just get sick. They worked for, oh, two hours or so, but they've worn off now and I can't take anymore for another four and I am fucking MIS-ER-A-BLE. I don't know how I'm going to get to sleep tonight. I can hardly just sit still and type.

Work this morning (coffee shop) was not too bad, but work tonight (restaurant) was pretty god-awful. When I got there I was like, listen, I am not feeling well at all, is it absolutely necessary that I stay until close? And of course my manager was like, yes. Even though I'm not convinced it really was. I really, really try not to ask to go home, or call in sick or anything, because I don't want them to think I'm unreliable or anything, even if it's for health reasons. But I really, really should not have been at work tonight. Of course the other host let me just stand at the podium and take names, which was pretty pointless because the place just wasn't busy enough to need to take names in the first place - it sucked.

And I really don't know what to do about my shoulder hurting. It's hurt off and on like this for about a year now. It just started all of a sudden. Sometimes it stops, sometimes the other shoulder hurts instead (but never both) and I have all kinds of theories as to why this is happening and really, I guess I need to go to the doctor. But I'm kind of afraid the doctor will be like, well, your shoulder hurts because you put too much stress on it. You need to let it rest and give it a chance to heal. That, of course, is not what I want to hear, because "resting my shoulder" would pretty much amount to CRAWLING INTO A HOLE AND DIEING. Then again, the doctor could say nothing is wrong and it's all in my head. Cause if sometimes it doesn't hurt, and sometimes the OTHER SHOULDER hurts, well, that sounds like nothing is physically wrong, right? Or the doctor could say, this is all an effect from your last surgery, your nerves and muscles are confused, your brain is used to feeling pain so it's imagining your shoulder hurts because it can't register pain where it's used to feeling it - oh my imagination is just running wild with this.

I don't care about anything else right now. I don't care about meeting a pretty girl and telling her a story about a wide-mouthed frog. I don't care about Bevan not remembering having sex with me. I don't care about picking out furniture for my house. I just want to not be in pain - is that too much to ask? I understand that my body is never going to be normal again - I get that. But can I at least be assured that it's not getting worse? Cause it feels like it is. I feel like I'm falling the fuck apart. Like little by little every part of me is crumbling to pieces. When I said "I can do this," this is not what I had in mind.
exhilaration: (Default)
Now If Only I Could Actually Say It To Shaina...

I. Just had the most horrible experience.

Okay. Not the most horrible. But it was pretty bad.

The ground is covered in ice. Everything is covered in ice. I'm cool with that. I'm really, really careful, it's fine, I've got it. Everyone slides on the ice a little. It's fine.

IT'S NOT FINE.

One of the first things I had done to my house was to have it split into two. The only way to get upstairs is to go up the stairs on the side of the house. The stairs that are, like everything else, covered in ice. AND I LIVE UPSTAIRS.

That little voice, the one that was telling me from the very beginning, Lara, this is not a good idea, Lara, you do not want to go up and down stairs every day, Lara, this is your house, you should fix up the first floor for yourself before anything else, yes, that voice, I should have listened to that one, not the one that said, Lara, you could rent the first floor this winter, you know, you need the money, you can handle the stairs, it won't be a problem...

So there was me, clinging to the railing and making a complete fool of myself trying to get upstairs, it was really... it was completely humiliating, actually. The way the ice had frozen made each step like an incline of ice, and it was, it was, it was... it was completely impossible. I could not do it. I quite possibly have never been so embarrassed in my entire life. Nothing says "I'm pathetic" more than knocking on your downstairs tenant's door and asking for help up the stairs. But I didn't know what else to do, and I was practically in tears just from the bitter cold, never mind the frustration and embarrassment and all the rest. I tried to pull it together a bit, but, seriously. I never want to repeat that ever again.

In which I make use of that thing called a cut, because I am going to unload like I never have before... )

Let me just daydream about my houses a little, or let me just daydream about friends that I don't have, oh, while I'm at it, let me just daydream about someday having a job that doesn't involve continued interaction with idiots, hell, if I'm going to daydream, why don't I go all out and dream about having a body that doesn't play games with me, then, eh?
exhilaration: (Default)
...if it weren't for the stabbing pain in my head.

Julia sent me home this afternoon because she said I looked like death. I can't believe I worked a whole six hours at the bean shop tonight. I barely remember it.

My head hurts so much.

I don't know why.
exhilaration: (Default)
No luck in the second-job search. I know it can take some time to find a job, any kind of job, even a minimum wage job, but I need money NOW.
No emergency room last night. No, no, none of that. No time for that shit. I could feel it coming, the answer to "my shoulder hurts": oh, does it?
I dunno what's going on with my shoulder, but I figure, it has to be in my head. Something's very wrong with me, and I am certain its not something that can be fixed by the ER.
How can pain like that fucking switch sides?
I was busy all day at work framing shit. No pain.
I come home, settle down, chill out? Pain.
It's gotta be in my head.

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exhilaration: (Default)
Lara I.

October 2012

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